im lucky enough to have one of the coolest jobs around. in my opinion anyway. i work on the cardiff party boat HMS69 as a crew member.

friday night, i turned up for my shift as usual outside the millenium stadium on the river taf. the boat wasnt there yet so i sat patiently on the end of the jetty with only the swans for company. i dropped my shoe in the river and had to fish it out. bollocks – 4 hour shift with 1 wet shoe. within minutes one of the stag parties showed up, their tell-tale noise preceding them.

wheres the boat love??” the alpha male shouted down at me from the gate. “or are you it?” cue raucous laughter.

on its way. should be here in a minute.” i shouted back.

shame – didnt think you looked much like a boat. but wouldnt we all like a ride on THAT!” was the reply he gave, followed by slaps on the back from his peers congratulating him for the oh-so-hilarious banter.

HMS69 eventually pulled up and i helped moor her in tying the ropes quickly before she drifted. the shift carried on as usual. the free bar means the spirits are always high and the pole only adds to the amusement. everyone turns into a pole expert once they’ve had a drink or seven. one charming young stag threw up back into his can of strongbow after a few spins and tried to offer it back to me at the bar to exchange it for a fresh one. a bottle of water is all he got back.

they’re not always hooligans on the boat. most of the time they’re absolutely lovely. on this occasion for example, a man who must have been approaching 65+ came up to the bar and lent on his elbow and said to me, “hi blue eyes. can i have your number? i’d make a brilliant sugar daddy.” the silver fox.

now when it comes to closing time, we’ve sailed all around the bay and its time for them to clear off, thats when we normally struggle. this is when scary sarah comes out to play.

DRINK UP PLEASE LADIES AND GENTS! MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE BOAT! WE WANT TO GO HOME!

my boss always looks slightly scared when i do that voice. it works though. apart from on friday. when two lovely young men were taking their time drinking up. the last two on the boat, i was clearing up around them with my rubber gloves on, hair tied back and looking a bit of a state. hottie number 1 told the manager he couldnt get off the boat as he was busy talking to me. my answer was to raise my eyebrows and carry on clearing the shot glasses and trodden in hotdog. at this point,  hottie number 2 piped up saying they weren’t leaving as they didnt have my number and were coming on the drive home with us. the manager looked at me.

if i give you my number, will you get off the boat??” i said.

YES.”

didnt have much choice really did i? they were both hotties so to be honest i wasnt really complaining. so what have i gained with that shift? 1 wet shoe, an offer of marriage from a silver fox, 2 free shots, no tips and a cheeky text from hottie number 1.

all in all, a good night.

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